Your Flight to Toronto is now a Mule-Drawn Demon Cart


Delta and Expedia: Hi there! We’re just letting you know that we’ve made a slight change to your flight reservations and you should really call us to talk about it. Nothing serious. But definitely call us.

Me: Ok. What happened?

Delta/Expedia: Well your first flight now leaves a little later than when you first booked it. So you miss your connecting flight. Is that ok?

Me: Do you put me on another connecting flight to reach my destination that day?

D/E: Oh. No. Can you fly a different day? Do you even need to fly to this destination? We can put you on one of our partner airlines and get you there around the same time.

Me:…

D/E: Ok it’s not really an “airline”. It’s more of a absurdly tall cloaked man steering a rickety wooden wagon pulled by a team of invisible mules. But it definitely goes to your destination!

Me:…

D/E: Your destination is Smalininkai, Lithuania. Right?

Me: Toronto.

D/E: Oh. Have you thought about Smalininkai? Lovely mule-drawn wagons. Delicious roast lamb. Historical castles. Ancient families live in those castles. Powerful families.

Me: I booked a flight to Toronto.

D/E: This wagon will bring you to Toronto. Distance is nothing. Time is nothing. You are nothing.

Me: What is happening here?

D/E: Smalininkai has powerful families with powerful tools. Their shadows reach everywhere. There are…forces…you cannot imagine. Meteors? Nuclear weapons? Feh! They are like ants playing in the dirt compared to our Liege of the Mountains.

Me: Toronto.

D/E: You will love the Liege of the Mountains. You will love Him. You will love to serve Him. You will serve Him in Smalininkai. You will serve His children. You will…

Me: What?

D/E: Never mind. We just found an alternative travel option for you. We can get you out of Austin and into Toronto on the same day as your original booking — just a few hours earlier.

Me: I’ll take it.

D/E: Ok! Making the booking now.

Me: Great.

D/E: Have you reserved any transportation for yourself during your stay in Toronto? We can get you a good deal with this mule-drawn wagon.

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